Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences.  However, many people are afraid of their anger or unsure how to express it appropriately, so they suppress the feeling.  The problem is that unresolved anger too easily creeps out in troublesome behavior.

It helps to know that anger is a secondary emotion.  Naming the feeling underneath the anger is a good first step.  It’s often something like feeling hurt, afraid, disappointed, or frustrated.  All feelings have valuable information to share, and offer hints about what might need to be said or done in order to feel better.  Bringing an attitude of curiosity and compassion to feelings gives them space to let us know how to look after them.  Then it’s possible to take appropriate action, or speak for those feelings in ways that are assertive, and still kind.

There’s always help available.  Take the first step.  Talk to Fran.

For couples, the answer is yes, with work.

Tempting as it is to ‘sweep it under the rug’ and carry on, that’s a dangerous strategy — because the unresolved anger tends to turn into contempt, which is corrosive to relationships.  Whether the affair is emotional or sexual, the results are devastating, and both partners suffer.

To recover, both partners need to commit to telling the truth, looking at the circumstances surrounding the affair, turning back to the relationship, and rebuilding trust.  This work is best done with the support of a couples therapist.

I’ve worked with many couples who have gone through an affair and come out the other side with a renewed commitment and deeper relationship.

Everyone has troubles from time to time in life.  People generally try to deal with problems on their own, or may ask supportive family or friends for help.  That can be absolutely wonderful.  When family and friends have their own ideas, don’t listen well, or can’t keep it to themselves, it may be time to reach out to a neutral, supportive counsellor.

Another good time to seek a counsellor is when you’re feeling stuck — when you’ve etried what you know and still aren’t getting anywhere.  Couples benefit from couples counselling when they’re struggling and don’t know what to do to keep the love alive.  Reaching for help early is always advisable.  The longer problems aren’t dealt with, the harder they are to change.

There’s always help available.  Take the first step.  Talk to Fran.

I’ve been hearing the pains of Christmas in my office… the extra obligations, stress of too much to organize, and not wanting to do any of it.  Or, on the other hand, the pain of not having family near, loneliness, grief and loss.  In all of it, there’s a craving for connection, and for a deeper meaning amidst the celebration.

Many children excitedly anticipate the wonders of Christmas, that magical time when all dreams come true.  Or not.  Many adults strive to live up to expectations.  As we grow older, we’re more likely to sift and sort the meaningful from the drivel.  That’s where the magic lies — in knowing what really matters, and what doesn’t.  Then living in a way that reflects what really matters.  Not just at Christmastime, but all year long.

Not sure what the meaning is for you?  Take the first step… Talk to Fran.

This is a common question in my office — generally by couples who take each other for granted.  Saying, “Thanks for washing the dishes,” “Thanks for filling my car with fuel,” or “Thanks for taking the kids outside and giving me a break” are ways to acknowledge our partner, to appreciate them, and to let them know we love them.  We all long to be noticed, to be valued, to be cared about.  Personally, I melt when I smell fresh towels that my husband has washed.  He takes me in his arms when I tell him so.

In relationships, it’s the little things that count.  That means both doing the laundry, the dishes, and the chores — and it also means saying “Thanks.”  When we say “Thanks,” we’re really saying “I love you.”  Three words we long to hear more than any others.

If you need some help in your relationship, take the first step, Talk to Fran.

It’s important to choose a counsellor who is solidly trained, has good boundaries and ethics, and who is skilled and experienced.  Check the B.C. Association for Clinical Counsellors www.bc-counsellors.org for a listing of Registered Clinical Counsellors in your region, their qualifications and specialties.  A good local resource is www.campbellriver.fetchbc.ca, a listing of community health resources.  Friends may also be able to recommend someone.  Most counsellors have websites, so check them.  If you need marriage/couple counselling, not just any counsellor will do — you need to find a counsellor specifically trained in marriage/couple counselling.  When you find someone, phone and ask what their training is, any specialties, and how much experience they’ve had.  Finally, at the first counselling session, see how the fit is with the counsellor.  If you don’t feel good about the fit, say so, and ask to see another counsellor.  You deserve to get the help you need.

If you’re looking for an experienced counsellor with solid training working with individuals and couples, take the first step… Talk to Fran.

After a busy year, many of us just want to kick back and enjoy a nice romantic holiday with our beloved.  It’s easy to plan a trip, but it’s not that luxury seaside resort or expensive candlelight dinner that makes for romance.  Rather, what really is seductive is the attention partners give towards each other, listening to each other and responding to each other’s needs and concerns.

Perhaps that doesn’t sound so romantic, but I challenge you to try it — maybe throw a beach blanket in, a quiet spot, add a glass of wine, or hotdogs on a stick if that’s your thing — and ask your beloved what their dreams are.  Then just listen, with all your heart.  You might just be surprised how romantic that can be.

If you need fresh ideas on how to create more romance and improve your relationship, take the first step, Talk to Fran.

We all want loving, close connection with our partner, but a major conflict is emerging:  we have also come to expect immediate responses to that text, email, or facebook post.  When we respond to the ‘other,’ it leaves our partner alone, feeling neglected and disconnected.  In fact, recent research shows that 70 percent of face-to-face conversations stop in their tracks the minute the partner texts or answers the phone.  Other research shows that the quality of conversation drops with a smartphone just being in the same room.  Conflicts are significantly higher, and relationship satisfaction lower.  Technology is here to stay.  If you want a satisfying, meaningful relationship, you need to have a frank conversation about the ‘rules of engagement’; for starters, when should it be shut off (eg. in the car, at mealtime, at bedtime)?  Then honor it.

If you need some help talking about technology, or anything else, in your relationship, take the first step:  Talk to Fran.

Current public discussion of physician assisted dying has brought the topic of death to the forefront.  Whatever your views on assisted dying may be, at least we are starting to talk about death more openly.  It can be hard to initiate a conversation about death around the dinner table, but it’s also an important topic.  Starting the conversation from a news item is one way to begin.  Whether about end-of-life care, or the many choices around how our death is supported and acknowledged, there are many things to discuss.  I find it especially valuable to talk about the differences between needful suffering and needless suffering.  Beginning the conversation is the first step.

If you’d like to talk about important issues around life and death, take the first step — Talk to Fran.

It’s easy for relationships to slide into the doldrums, especially when we do the same things, the same way, for years.  It’s time to shake things up a little.  Partners who are able to talk about their relationship can brainstorm possibilities to liven things up, then pick one or two items and make specific, concrete plans together.  Even if your partner is a bit resistant, chances are they’ll love the change when you do something differently.  Bring an attitude of playfulness to it.  Revisit things you’ve enjoyed in the past.  Dream up some new ideas.  Visit a new place together, dance under the stars, have a picnic at the beach… Whatever your style, there’s always a way to re-energize yourself and your relationship.

If you need help to bring new life to your relationship, Talk to Fran.